I have been married for over five years now, and I always tell myself that I am happily married. My commitments to my husband are the above all priority I ensure to do. I always try my best to be a loving wife, understanding significant other, and a supportive partner to him. I devote to provide my spouse the peace and happiness he deserves. However, there is this something I cannot appear to give him that causes an irrational pain in my emotional and mental state. I am infertile, and having a baby is seemingly difficult to do.
The Agony
As I look into my husband’s face, I can see that he now wants to have a baby. The way he holds someone else’s child in his hand, it is as if there is a sudden attachment. It makes me want to cry, thinking that we might not be able to have a family if I cannot get this uterus to work. I feel so lonely that I cannot tell my spouse the emotional and mental torment I am currently experiencing. I cannot show him the anxious side of me, because if I do, I might be able to break his heart. In an unfortunate case, he might break mine. There is a tendency that he would lie to me by telling me he does not want to have a child only to make me feel better. I don’t want that. I do not want him to know that I am depressed and full of emotional battles inside. I never want my husband to worry about me as much as I worry about myself.
Not Mentally Okay
It is painful for me that I feel like I only have myself in this crisis. People will never understand my decision of not telling anyone how mentally ill I am right now. Sure, I can smile and be happy most of the times. But when I am all alone, I can never contain the emotional pain I have for not being able to conceive. All I can do is cry my heart out. For this very instant, I am hoping to receive a miracle. I always pray to God, and I wish He listens to it every day. I am honestly not losing any hope, though. However, the longer I wait, the painful the agony is becoming. It seems like the road to motherhood is getting narrower day by day. I am not mentally okay. I feel so drained and exhausted thinking about my condition. I want to reach out to people, but I am scared. I do not want to hear them saying I am infertile, or I am getting punished by God whatsoever. I can’t bear to listen to the truth that I might not be able to carry a child.
Everything about this infertility issue is depressing. However, I know there is still hope. I am confident that I still have a shot on becoming a mother. As for when would that be; only God knows.